Living with Disappointment

As children most of us have been told by adults at some time that we have disappointed them.  While this would seem to place the blame firmly on our shoulders, perhaps this feeling has more to do with their expectations which we may have had no part in creating.
 
Unreasonable Expectations
Disappointment comes when reality does not match our expectations.  It occupies the space between what we expected and what actually happened.  This could be the result of a failure to achieve through insufficient effort or application.  However it might be because the bar was set too high for us ever to be able to reach.  Perhaps we exaggerated our abilities, desire or commitment or underestimated what was needed.
 
The Failure of Hope
When disappointed we are focussing on what we believe might have been. That it did not happen may in fact indicate there was never any possibility that this future might materialise or the odds were much greater than we imagined.  The failure of our hopes for the future can become a belief that our dreams will never be achieved and disappointment itself becomes our only expectation.
 
Responding to Disappointment
It may seem easier to express our anger at not getting what we want, or feel we deserve, than it is to acknowledge the sadness we feel at the loss of the future we imagined for ourselves.   When someone we trust does something we did not expect we can feel crushed by disappointment and blame them for letting us down.  While we remain angry we can avoid having to re-evaluate our expectations for the future.
 
The Curse of Disappointment
If allowed to take hold disappointment can infect everything it touches.  A life that could have been contented cannot be enjoyed if always viewed through the lens of what might have been.  Aspects of our lives that could have brought satisfaction or joy will appear unsatisfactory when compared with unrealistic dreams or comparisons with others whose lives are very different from our own.  This can lead to a permanently depressed mood and darker thoughts as we stop imagining that we can ever be satisfied or even happy.
 
The Door to Resentment
If left unchecked the initial feeling can open the way to a range of allied emotions that can create a mushroom cloud of negativity. This can take us down a path of resentment of those who did not give us what we felt we needed or deserved. This may extend throughout the wider community leaving us feeling bitter, isolated and unloved.
 
Learning from Experience
Disappointment highlights the gap between fantasy and reality. Rather than allowing this feeling to take hold, it can prompt us to explore both ends of the divide to understand how they might be brought closer together. Accepting what is can help us to have more reasonable expectations of what might be.  By constantly readjusting our expectations against what is possible in any situation, we can narrow this gap so we fall into it less often.
 
Overcoming Disappointment
The way that we measure results affects our perception of where we are and what we have achieved. Endless comparisons that use external measures of achievement can leave us running to catch up. It is easy to miss what is going on around us while our eyes are always on the horizon.
 
Disappointment is a natural response to an outcome that was less than we expected.  It is also an opportunity to reflect upon how this has come to be and what we can do to better match our hopes and expectations with what might happen.  We can tether our dreams to the life we are living rather than life as we might wish it to be.
 
If we focus on our feelings in the present rather than continually measuring outcomes, we may find ourselves taking pleasure in what is and being less concerned with what might have been.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding